Your name is Claire Blackwood. You are a college student attending the University of Redlands. You’re female, 21, around 5’8, white, red-blonde haired, with green eyes. You’re currently having lunch with your boyfriend at the local sandwich shop.
“Honestly, I couldn’t give a shit what Melissa wants you to do, but really, she schedules this shit like four hours before it’s going to happen.” Chris says. Chris is not exactly the bad boy type, though everyone believes he is. He’s well behaved, but looked down on because of his family history. You’ve known him for a long time, and got to know he’s caring, protective, and very nice.
“Yeah, but it’s a movie, it’s not that big a deal.” you say
“I know, but it’s Lilo and Stitch, and I wanted to see it.”
“Why do you want to see it so badly?”
“I want to go to Hawaii, it seems cool.”
“I think you’re a little late for getting a flight there, have you seen what they’re doing to the air ports? Also how haven’t you seen it yet, it’s been a year.”
“Because I do not have much money.”
“You just have to ask, I’ll lend you money.”
“You don’t have t-” he starts to speak and it all goes black

You start to regain consciousness, though your head is foggy and your whole body feels weird, hotter, and completely different.
“Where is my penis?” yells some feminine voice from behind you. You sit up and see yourself in the process. You look down and you’re covered in a layer of fur, mostly purple with a white belly. You instinctively hop to your feet in fear, knowing you’re not going to escape what you’re in. You still have on your clothes, which are a blue tank top and a pair of yoga pants. You think it’s a mascot costume at first, so you start to pull at your arm with your clawed fingers, feeling only pain as those claws break skin. Panic has set in, this isn’t a costume. You look around to see what’s happening and find many others are having the same experience.
“Oh shit, I have a penis!” says some naked blue-black lion looking cat person
“Is that one mine?” says some yellow red and white fox woman, who’s half wearing an old military uniform. They also have a rifle they’re holding onto, but aiming down, as if they feel they need to defend themselves, but not knowing from what.

“Was yours blue?”
“No.”
“Mine is though.”
“What the fuck is-”
“You know who else doesn’t have a penis?” some giant green dinosaur guys says
“You?”
“My Mom!”
“I’d sure fucking hope not. Who the fuck are all of ya’ll.”
“Is that fucking Muscle Man?” some yellow cat guy in a navy blue suit says. He’s holding a fire ax and seems rather happy.
“No way bro, I’m Muscle Mon! Hua!”
“Hah, fucking awesome! I can tell you’re gonna be my favorite.”
“Hey dude why do you have an ax?” says the lion
“Well, I was gonna spice up my night by murdering a hooker, but this is different… but I don’t know what type of different, yet”
“Who the fuck are you people?” the fox says again
“Name’s Rick Bates, I’m a stock broker from New York. Who are you soldier boy?”
“I’m Sergeant Bradley Peters, US army, 4th Infantry division. Now then, I don’t know what or who anyone else is, but you’re not one of the gerries, so I’m going to trust you.”

“I’m a business man, you’re better off trusting the germans.”
“Whatever, do you have any idea what the fuck I am or where my pride went?”
“Don’t know about your peter, peters, however, you’re a braixen.”
“The fuck is a Braixen?”
“It’s a pokemon.”
“The fuck is a pokemon?”
“It’s a japanese ga-”
“So the j*ps are behind this?”
“No? Well maybe- actually what year is it?”
“1945? Why?”
“It’s 2020 for me?”
“It’s fucking 2003, what the- who the hell-” a white furred animal person with a blue face and one horn says. They then stare down at themselves, and without looking, grab the horn “Why the fuck am I an absol? And where’s my dick?” . They seem to have just gotten up and were laying right next to you. They wear a black hoodie and blue jeans, which was what your boyfriend was wearing before
“I’D LOVE TO KNOW WHERE MINE IS!” says Peters
“Ok, so you know what pokemon are then whitey.” Bates says
“Yeah, it’s a fucking video game, so why the hell am I in it?” says the absol
“What am I mr Bates?” says the black and blue lion
“You’re a… shinx? No Luxray. You’re the third evolutionary one I forgot the name of it.”
“Cool. Listen, does anyone have any spare clothes, my boyfriend was kinda… ya know, and I don’t want to be naked right now.”


“Sure, you fucking freeloader, I was getting my dry cleaning before my nightly killing spree, if you’re interested in a suit.”
“Yes anything.”
“Alright, but I’ll have you know, this is the finest cut of Saint Laurent, tailored to myself.” Rick says, leaning on the ax like it were a broom “I’d tell you more about it, but honestly, you’re not classy enough to understand.”
“Don’t care. Please man.”
“Sure, but it’ll cost ya.”
“I give good head, and I can almost guarantee you haven’t had any from a luxray before.”
“Ya know... for lack of a better option... I’ll probably take you up on that.”
“What kind of f*ggotry is this.” Peters yells
“Hey mr soldier dude, I had a pussy until like five minutes ago, this isn’t gay to me.” says the lion
“You’re a man.”
“And you’re a woman, and if I right, you fuckers didn’t give women rights yet.”
“Women are too-”
“Shut up, ya dang misogynist.” the lion says with a laugh
“No no no, he has a point, women fucked up this country sinc-” Rick begins
“Fuck you bourgosie scum!” says a pink and white animal creature wearing some gothic attire. They have blue eyes and some strange ribbons floating around them.
“The first thing women did when they got the right to vote, actually before that, was to get rid of alcohol, start the drug/gang epidemic in the US, and create the income tax. Women’s suffrage was a-”
“Everyone stop fighting!” says a brown bunny lady “We need to figure this all out together ok?”
“Sure thing. Let’s finish introductions. I’m Rick, for those newly awakened, the foxy soldier is Peters, This giant fucking dinosaur is Muscle Mon-” Rick starts and is interrupted by the bunny laughing

“Something funny bro?” Muscle Mon says
“Wait, you meant to-” the bunny begins but starts to laugh again “ok ok, you’re like pokemon muscle man right?”
“Yeah bro.”
“Ah, that’s fucking briliant. Wait, so you just chose a fake identity.”
“Yeah bro. I wake up as a fat tyranitar, and I’m like: Oh no bro, then I just decided to go with it. Ya know?”
“Yeah.”
“Hey Rick, can I see how I look?” says the Luxray who put on the suit. They’re missing an undershirt, so they just have on the black jacket with their chest bare, but are also wearing black slacks.
“Ya do know you’re supposed to close that thing right?” Rick says
“Yeah but like, I’m hot, and all that. Also when I had boobs, I couldn’t just walk around with my puppies out.”
“Yeah, that’s a shame. I bet we could have all used a look at those.”
“Maybe if I turn back you can.”
“I’m counting on it.” Rick says as he pulls a small mirror out from his pocket and shows the Luxray themselves.
“Woah, my eyes are fucking sick! I look like a demon. Actually yeah, I’mma go by Lucifer if the dinosaur can be Muscle Man.”
“Fitting for a man in a suit.” says the pink and white girl
“Ha, and what’s your name, my sylveon friend?” RIck says
“Violette, ass hole.”
“Ah, Violette. You know what else is going to be violette about you?”

“Something to do with your tiny penis and my mouth, because you’re too afraid of a strong woman-”
“Hahaha, no. Your entire face will be purple because I’m going to strangle you with a pair of jumper cables for constantly running your Tumblr-bitch mouth. Then I’m going to cut you up and throw your body into the sea, tied to some cinder blocks, and make sure it is never found.” Rick says, giving a chuckle “But it’s not like anyone will be looking for you, you don’t have any friends do you? Say, how’s your relationship with your father?”
“Fuck you, that’s how. What about yours?”
“Non existent, but his life insurance pays for my clothing spending. That is because a coma took him away.”
“I’m sorry to hear th-” begins the brown bunny
“Don’t be, he was a real asshole. So what’s your name, my Lopunny friend?”
“Um, if we’re doing fake names, Maria sounds nice.”
“Great, what’s your name whitey?”
“Me? Shit.” says the absol “Well, if we’re doing a fake names thing I might as well do something cool. How about… Disaster Queen.”
“That’s funny.”
“I had a female absol in the game that I named that.”
“Great. Skuntank, what about you? You’ve been standing there a while?” Rick says, pointing his ax at you
“Skun-what?” you say
“Skuntank. Like skunk tank, you’re a big skunk.”
“I’m a skunk?” you say getting a little worried. You don’t like skunks, they smell bad and are dirty
“Would you like the mirror?” Rick says and you nod. Lucifer walks over and shows you your face. It’s cat like but also skunk-like. You notice your tail goes over your head and you try to move it to no avail. This freaks you out, this whole thing freaks you out.

“No no no no no no no. I’m not a skunk, this can’t be happening!” you say, sitting down and curling up into a ball.
“Hey hey now, it’s all right.” says Maria, bending down to hug you. “We’re going to get through this alright, but you gotta be a strong girl and not let stuff get to you. We’ll figure this out.”
“I’m a fucking skunk. Where the hell am I?”
“I don’t know, but we all gotta be ready to find out. Ok?” she says. You stare at her for a little while. She has a very kind smile, giving a look like she’s confident that everything actually will work out.
“Thank you.”
“Hey no sweat. Anyways, I’m Maria, and you are?”
“I’m Claire, I don’t think I need to mak-”
“Oh shit Claire!” Disaster Queen says as they drop to their knees to hug you “We’re gonna fix this, don’t you worry.”
“Oh? Thank you too-”
“Listen, it’s me Chris. I’ve-”
“What?”
“I don’t know what’s going on, but I’ll fix this.”
“Wait, what? How?” you say, wiping your tears
“Don’t know yet.”

“How are you Chris- wait what?”
“Do I need to prove it or-”
“What were we talking about before we wound up here?”
“Hawaii and how AL Qaida f-”
“Jesus it is you.”
“Yeah.”
“I mean, I had a thought about it cause, you’re wearing the same shit as before.”
“I know what you mean, I kinda just assumed this is a dream or something, because of that, but I don’t think I could imagine you crying.”
“How? Look at me, I’m hideous-”
“No you’re not, you’re still beautiful. Ok? You’ll never stop being beautiful ok?” he says. You look up at her- his face. Something so foreign and unfamiliar, both threatening and friendly, with a voice that speaks but doesn’t sound like one of your favorite people. Chris sees how you’re looking at him, and you can see the hurt in his eyes from it. “Alright, so we’re gonna make things right ok?”
“But how?”
“We just will, and we can fix you, ok?”
“Ok.”
“Wait are we supposed to call you Disaster Queen or Chris?” Maria asks
“You guys refer to me as the Queen. For now at least. I don’t know any of you so you don’t get to know me. Also I have enough enemies that one may be here.”
“Alright. But I’m going to call you Queenie, because I’m not going to recite your full ‘title’ every time I refer to you.”
“Whatever.”
“Also, you two seem pretty friendly, more than the people pointing a gun and an ax at everyone. Can we be friends, or allies or something?”
“Sure, if that’s alright with you Claire.”
“Yeah.” you say
“Ok cool. Also you said it’s 2003 right?” Maria says
“Yeah? Why?” Chris says
“Well, It’s 2020 for me. I’m like 2 for you guys, so I don’t think I can be one of your enemies.”
“How the hell does time work, you’re 17 years in the future, There’s some world war two guy, how does any of this shit work?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well maybe-” Chris begins but is cut off by some incoherent screaming.

You look up and see an orange dragon, in ancient plated-scaled armor, holding a bow and pointing it at everyone. You can see a mix of anger panic and confusion in their eyes.
“Chillax bro!” Muscle Mon says. You now take the time to see everyone’s sizes, because the dragon dude looks very large and intimidating. Most are human sizes, but Maria is pretty tall, maybe 6’6, Muscle Mon is around 8 or 9ft, the dragon is about a foot shorter, and then Chris is significantly shorter than you now.
“Chris, you’re short.” you whisper
“No, you’re just tall now.” he replies, also in a whisper. You hear the dragon scream some more again, then points the bow at everyone, including you. You duck, so does Maria, and Chris gets in front of you both, to take the shot or whatever. Everyone else also decides to flinch or hide, with the exception of Rick, who stays standing, unmoved, leaning on the ax with his hand in his jacket. Peters on the other hand, points the rifle at the dragon, also seemingly unfazed. The dragon yells something more, but then hits the floor after some brown fox in a soviet military uniform clocks him in the back of the head with the butt of an AK47.
“Stupid fucking ancient shit.” says the fox
“Ah, hello there-” Rick begins
“Eat shit capitalist pig-dog, wallstreet-cocksucker!”
“Ah, so you’re a communist, let me guess a Soviet Russian. Were you also there in WWII?”
“No. I am from Virginia, I survived the collapse, was trained by the Red Army, and I am now head general of Vay’s Republic.”
“You’re what?” Rick says, actually showing a bit of emotion besides smugness for once


“Year is 2027, America is dead, covered in banner of bull. The dead walk the earth, few places remain, those being the South, the bull, and the Serval, and us. We are those who have survived all the hardships, forced East by the enemies who flee the Legion. We as a collective have survived everything, and we as a community defeat all that threatens us.”
“Sure, how can you guarantee that?”
“We are based in Washington DC, and have control of the nukes.”
“Bullshit.”
“You’ll see it, or die before, if the times are as fucked as I think they are.”
“What the fuck is going on?” says some mantis looking lady, in a bra and pants, who just sat up. She looks at herself, flinches, and hops to her feet like you did. She stares down at the blades where her hands once were “Where the fuck are my hands?!”
“I do not know, but I am also missing some things.” says the brown fox
“Could it be a penis? As-” Rick begins
“No no no, I believe I left that in your mother… vampires already took that from me, years back. I am missing my saber, I need it to kill the germans.”
“So are we still fighting the Germans? Is the war over?” Peters says
“Yes yes, many wars end, but dumb fuckers come back from dead, many assholes, many cool ones. For every Bob Ross, comes a Hitler, so we must fight the Germans again.”
“So did we win? Did Hitler die?”
“Comrade Stalin scared him so much he shot himself, or fled to Argentina, I am still not clear on which. He did die though. But one time seems to not be enough, we will try 2 times.”
“Why do you speak with a Russian accent if you’re from Virginia?” Maria says
“I speak because I am decry American citizenship, is shit, is useless, America gone, Russia isn’t. Also it gets me more pussy. And pussy is good.”
“That I can respect.” Rick says
“That is what your father says when I stick my cock in your mothers’ loose and stretched pussy. So wide from pushing out your fat pig dog ass.”

“Amusing.” Rick says, showing visual signs of anger boiling under his skin “But I’ll have you know, they’re both dead.”
“Kill self from deal with you?”
“No, I beat them to death and blamed it on the local pack of n******.”
“Ha, what an edgy little boy. ‘Oh I kill my mommy and daddy’, stupid child.”
“You know what, I like you-”
“Don’t care-”
“Would you let me finish? Jesus, you like to hear yourself talk.”
“Yes, I love sound of own voice. It is sexy voice from sexy vee. You say these things like the only thing that still gets you hard anymore isn’t looking at yourself in the mirror. You wreak of a false-grounded ego-”
“Ya know what, I can agree, I’m also a fucking sexy vee-”
“No you’re not, you’re the yellow cat. I am vee, eevee, dumb fucking suit.”
“I… I can’t really argue with that, so lets put a pin in it, and that subject away. I’m Rick, and you are?”
“Nikita, and that is legally new name, if want title I am Grand Marshal of Vay’s Republic and commander or Polkovnik in Soviet Union.”
“Alright. And you, miss missing-hands?” Rick says to the mantis lady, who’s still staring at her claws.
“What am I?” she says
“A rather busty Leavanny.”
“Oh… ok? Do I get my hands back?”
“Probably not.”
“Oh… fuck man.” she says, starting to tear up “I work in tech , I’m gonna lose my job, I’m gonna-”
“Hey, miss. It’s gonna be alright, we’re gonna fix this!” Maria says, running over to her

“How?”
“Don’t know yet, but we will. You’re not going to lose your job, and if you do, we can get you a new one-”
“Or file a lawsuit for violating the ADA, by firing you for succumbing to an unavoidable disability.” Rick says
“Or that too.”
“Since I’ve been fishing for names from everyone already, do you have one, or something made up that you want to just throw out there?”
“Sure.” the mantis says and then proceeds to stare at her claws “Spear… mint. That sounds cool, right?”
“Sure. Should we ask the charizard when he wakes up, whenever that will be?”
“He should be up now, or not, complications may be. I did hit hard.” says Nikita
“Don’t people normally stay out for hours if you knock them out?” Lucifer says
“Nyet, that’s only in shitty hollywood bullshit. Poisons youth with dipshit logic and propaganda.”
“Yeah, you get back up after a little, unless you’re concussed.” says Spear Mint, who seems to be doing slightly better than a moment ago
“Well, unless you use something like chloroform.” Rick says
“Yeah like we all have that shit lying around.”
“Just saying”

The dragon proceeds to wake up and mumble something. He tries to get up, but Muscle Man holds him down. “Chill bro.” he says, which causes the Dragon to start screaming again
“The fuck is this guy saying?” Rick asks to the general public
“Sounds like Assyrian.” a red wolf guy says as he gets up “And why am I covered in fur?” he says again, looking himself over. Lucifer says he’ll get the mirror and walks over to the guy. The wolf looks like he’s some American Revolutionary, tri-corner hat and all. He looks himself over in the mirror and gets even more confused. “Did I get turned into a werewolf or some other demon? And what are you creatures?”
“Hi, names Rick, I’m a zerora, and you’re a lycanroc, what’s your name?” Rick says
“Edgar Emanuel Williams the Third. What may I ask is a Zeror or a Lycan rock?”
“Creatures made up in Japan, for a game of make believe, and then somehow we got turned into them?”
“Interesting. May I ask about where the rest of you are from?”
“To my knowledge we’re all, except for the orange one, Americans, from anywhere in between 1945 and 2027.”
“Oh? It’s a good few centuries back for me, I’m afraid.”
“Who’s the president?”
“James Madison.”
“Oh shit, you’re from way back.”
“Yes, I see, I have many questions about my country-”
“Ah shit I got turned into a bear or some-cksh-ing” says a chipmunk looking guy in a flannel shirt and trucker hat. He looks really confused “Chis, kshat- Man why chje fuck can’t-”
“Farmer man, you use the ‘z’ instead of the ‘th’, like zis.” Nikita says

“What?”
“You have big front teeth now, can’t say this or that, only zis or zat. You will get used to it in time, yes?”
“Zanks Russian dude? Why do I got-”
“Mirror time.” Lucifer says, walking over to him.
“Wait, why in zhe fuck are all ya’ll pokemon?”
“Well that makes things easier.” Rick says “You’re a bidoof.”
“Really? Damn, zhat’s kinda boring. I mean, zhere could be worse, but like why can’t I get some-zhing cool like the rest of you?”
“Be happy your dick didn’t disappear dude.” Chris says “Like me or the fox over there.” Chris says as he points at Peters, who’s having a conversation with Edgar.
“Sorry zhat happened to ya man.”
“Don’t worry about ZHAT man.”
“Well, fuck you too zhen, pussy boi.” he says and the both of them begin laughing
“Hey buck tooth hillbilly, what’s your name?” RIck says
“Clint.”
“Where are you from, and what year is it for you?”
“Up your ass and to zhe left, zhe current one. Zhe fuck does it matter, yippie trash?”
“Well, for your information, the pussy boy lives in 2003, it’s 2020 for me, and the Russian says it’s 2027.”
“Oh shit, really?”
“Yep. Not to mention the two chattering in the corner come from WWII and before slavery was ebolished. So it’s kinda a need to know thing.”
“2021.”
“Ok. Who won the election?”
“BIden.”
“Fuck!”
“Yeah, I wanted Trump too, he don’t fuck kids.”

“That’s up for debate, no one has morals on wall street, I know that, I work there. But I couldn’t care less about what stuttering dementia ridden war criminal gets elected, from a political basis. I just had bets on who wins.”
“Do not matter, your money is meaningless in less than a decade anyways.” Nikita says
“Sure it is.”
“Only money that matter in US is Legion money, and bottle caps. Not sure how economy function on thing so easy make, but Legion money gold and silver, so strong currency!”
“Thank you for telling me about the caps part though, I’ll be sure to save.”
“So how zhe-” Clint begins but gets interrupted by screaming. You turn around and see a morbidly obese squirrel in 80’s girls clothes far too small for them, screaming in horror. This screaming wakes up the rest of the sleepers: those being a red and white rabbit in a soccer uniform, a bull in a letterman, a half leaf fox thing in some parka type jacket, and some black fox thing in a turtleneck sweater. The squirrel eventually es out, and the rest of the group just stares at them.
“See, coulda been worse, could have had a lisp and have been an obese fuck!” Rick says to Clint

“Man, I am fucking tripping.” says the leaf fox
“Welcome peoples, My name is Rick, we don’t know why we’re here and we all used to be human… I think. Can’t really confirm for the orange dragon, he doesn’t speak english.” Rick says and the rabbit starts screaming angrily at him in spanish. The bull starts speaking it to and they begin having an argument.
“Hey Rick man, nice suit.” says the leaf fox
“What’s your name, you piece of shit stoner?”
“Daren, or my friends call me D-Man.” Daren says, and stands up to shake his hand, then stops, looks confused, and grabs at his chest “Tatas, nice.” Daren says as he continues to play with his boobs.
“Those are real, most likely, you know that right?”
“Nah man, I’m high as a fucking kite.”
“I’m not and you are a leafeon. You are a mix of plant and animal. You have boobs.”
“Crazy man.” Daren says giggling
“Stupid fucking junkie trash.” Rick says, then begins laughing

The two spanish speakers continue to scream and argue, Muscle Mon continues to hold down the dragon as Nikita talks to him with a mix of hand signals, Maria walked over to the ed out squirrel while also talking to the black fox, Violette walks around the blank room trying to find an exit, Rick and Lucifer start to chatter amongst themselves, Peters and Edgar continue to happily conversate about something, Clint began talking to Spear Mint, and Daren walks over to you and Chris.
“Hey dudes, that suit guy’s kinda an asshole, and you two look like people from Highschool Musical. What’s going on here? Am I actually not tripping, or something?”
“No, you’re probably tripping, but this is all also real.” Chris says
“Really?”
“Feel your mouth and ears.”
“My mouth feels-” Daren says as he grabs his snout, and then proceeds to shove his fingers in, gag, then rub his spit covered hands over his ears “Woah.”
“Yeah.”
“So… do I just have boobs then or- man what the fuck?” he says, slumping down and curling up on the floor, mumbling to himself.
“Chris is he ok?” you ask
“I don’t think so.” he says
“Are you ok, Chris?”
“I don’t know.”
“What are we-” you start, but Chris hugs you tightly
“Don’t worry, we’ll handle this, ok?” he says. But will you? Or will what’s to come be the end of everything?


PAGEBREAK

You pull Chris to the side to have a more private chat without stoners breaking down in front of you
“There has to be some sort of goal here.” you say
“Yeah, and we’ll probably figure that out in a moment.” Chris says, staring at the ceiling. You look up at it too and see it slowly opening.
“Hey Mitch, better keep your paws on the orange dude before he flies outa here.” Rick says, also staring at the ceiling.
“Bro, how’s he-” Muscle Mon begins and then stares up at the ceiling “Oh. Oh no bro! Aliens!”
“Zhat’s just like a sun roof or sumzhin’” Clint says and most of the crowd looks up, staring as the white roof opens up slowly. Edgar and Peters take really close notice, in awe of the whole thing.
“Bro, I’m gonna be mad pissed if we see a white puppet come outa that hole.” Muscle Mon says
“What about a black one.” Lucifer asks
“Awe shit n***a, you’s muthafuckas gon need to solve a puzzle, else I go and Mandingo party yous crackas.” Rick says, trying to sound as much like a stereotype as he can
“Can you stop being racist for like a minute, dude.” Spearmint says
“Yeah, but I won’t.”


“Is this gonna be a saw scenario?” Lucifer asks
“Idk, but whatever it is, the jews are probably behind it, or at least involved.”
“The jews aren’t behind everything.” Maria says
“Ha, yes, but also no, the fake jews, like the ‘israelis’ control every aspect of our crapitalist society, and make our lives shit.” Nikita says
“Exactly.” Rick says, smiling at Maria. At this point, the doors stopped retracting, and a platform is lowered.
“Oh no bro, here comes Jigsaw.” Muscle Mon says
“Oh no bro, shut the fuck up before you make stuff come true!” Violette yells from across the room
“Believe in curses, do we?” Rick says
“You don’t?”
“If there was a god, or magic, I would not be here, successful, or unpunished.”
“I am open fire at person on platform, yes? Solja Boy, ?” Nikita says to Peters
“What? Wait, no, whoever is on there will likely be able to, or knows how to change us back.” Peters says
“Yes, or he may not, or he might and not do anyways. Probably last. I not take risk.”

“Yes you fucking will!” Peters says, pointing the gun at Nikita’s head “Because I’m gonna talk to him, get my penis, my humanity, and me back to where I belong.”
“You’ll get used to not having a penis.”
“I don’t fucking want to!”
“Also-” Nikita says, grabbing the barrel of the gun, then rapidly twisting and rotating their body, in some ninja-type fashion, which takes the rifle from Peters’ hands. Nikita then points the gun at Peters. “Don’t decide to make enemies. I speak from personal experience, you likely not go back normal. Ever. need to deal with the now.”
“Fuck you! Commie fuck!”
“Yeah, get his Commie ass!” yells Rick
“Shut up you yankie f**!”
“Fair.”
“All y’all quiet, it’s almost down.” Clint says. You watch as the platform finally touches down, and once it does, you notice a man sitting on a metal chair, but that isn’t just any man, its Adam fucking Sandler.

“I fucking called it, it’s the jews!” Rick says
“What?” Sandler says, looking absolutely horrified
“By god, hedge fund-incel, this Adam Sandler, not Rothschild. Wrong type of jew.” Nikita says
“What the heck is going on?”
“Can I have your autograph Mr Sandler!” Maria says, looking very excited
“Who are you and where am I?”
“Name’s Rick” says you know who “The blue and black Lion is Lucifer, Military fox lady is Sgt Peters-”
“I don’t mean that- what are you?”
“Pokemon.”
“No? What? That’s a video game, how are- what’s going on?”
“Mr Sandler can you say ‘Now that’s some quality H20’?” Maria says
“Now that’s some quality H20. Great to see a fan, but does anyone have any fucking clue why I just descended from the sky and why I’m talking to a bunch of weird pokemon people? Was I cast into some pokemon movie without my knowledge or consent?”
“Half of us expected you to be the Jigsaw puppet.” Lucifer says
“The what? You thought you were in Saw? The horror movies?”
“Like shit man, good a guess as any, considering all but like one of us wasn’t fucking pokemon before today. Why not be some really fuckin’ odd Saw trap?” Clint says

“Hold on, hold on, you said you weren’t… this?”
“You’re goddamn right, Adam- can I call you Adam?” Rick says
“I couldn’t care less right now.”
“Alright. Adam. We just finished that conversation, and nobody but our little Soviet friend here has seen shit even remotely close to this.”
“My guess is vampires, that what make me furry creature, and give me woman parts.” Nikita says
“I’m sorry, what? Vampires?”
“Yes. I was mortally injured, then poof, like car salesmen, many vampires show up and try make me do their bidding in exchange for not die. I choose one, the Pimp, he has flat rate of money you need pay off. He makes you female, furry, and work at his strip club. If in similar situation, he best choice, because he has no change in his words, just money needs, reasonable charge, and will change you back at end of payment, if you want.”
“And you didn’t?” Peters says
“No. Am like self, hate old life. Virginia me suck ass, Russian general me sexy badass. Not hard choice.”
“So you’re saying that vampires are behind this?” Adam Sandler says
“Yes. Good chance.”
“Ok, so-”
“Probably Cupid. He is most bad one, most powerful one, loves psychological conflict from physical distortion, sound like shit he do.”
“Really now? And how do we know you’re not working for him?” Peters says
“He’s a fucking turk.”


Suddenly there is a big puff of pink smoke, about two feet in front of Nikita. The smoke clears and a blond woman, wearing a Jessica Rabbit style dress, stands before everyone
“How fucking dare you compare me with those filthy cockroaches!” The lady says, in a very non lady-like voice
“To outsmart you.” Nikita says smirking
“Fuck off! I am a proud fucking Wallachian-Romanian, and I will not take this shit from an inbred Ameri-mutt!”
“Oh so you’re one of those Pick-pocketing gypsies then?” Rick says
“You’re going to be brutally murdered by one of your fellow mon. No one will feel sad about it, and for some, your death will be better than sex.”
“Cool.”
“Anyways, you caught me off guard there, was gonna let everyone mingle a bit before announcing stuff. Also before you ask, that’s actually Adam, not the twink in the dog hat.”
“Ya know, I do not get the calling Vulpes a twink. He is like 30, right?” Nikita says
“I think he’s in his fifties.”
“Fucking shit, radiation give him eternal beauty, give his superior officer superhuman speed strength and size, but give his king a fucking tumor. Irony.”
“Yeah. Anyways, I will let everyone get acquainted, and all that, then I’ll explain what is going on. Alright?” Cupid says, and then disappears into smoke again.
“Zhat was a transvestite right?” Clint says after a little
“No, I think that’s just a dude.” Lucifer says
“Transvestite ain’t a transgender, like, zhey’re just drag queens or some’”
“Why do you know the difference?” Rick begins “I mean, you’re right, but why does some hick from…”
“Idaho.”
“Yeah. Why does some dipshit redneck from Idaho know vocabulary with over 3 syllables in it?”
“First off, fuck you. Secondly, fuck your family. Zhird-”
“Zhird.”
“Man, I don’t want to deal with your bullshit, on top of everyzhing else. Like, yeah, I now got a speech impediment, but like, ya don’t gotta be pickin’ fights with every’n, ya know? Like, it ain’t New York, cause I’m just assumin’ they’re a bit more back-stabby ‘round there.”

“You’d be right about that.” Rick says
“Yeah. So like, can ya cool it for a little, zhere’s good folks here, or at least I zhink so, not zhe soulless creatures zhat live in that filzhy city.”
“Alright. I’ll cool it for a little. But why do you know that distinction?”
“I’ve seen zhe Rocky Horror Picture Show a few times.”
“Makes sense.”
“Potato man and American Psycho, done argue?” Nikita says
“Yeah. Why?” Clint replies
“I find first not American, yes! The dragon, he from Assyria, ancient time. I will show him the new world, I will be prophet, enlighten dragon of things he can not , yes. I will be Eldritch horror! I will give him Baja Blast, listen Free Bird, show him movie of Star Wars. I will start new religion, accidentally.”
“Man, you said you’re from Virginia earlier.”
“Yes?”
“So, can you speak wizhout zhe fake Russian accent? Like, I get you had your rebirzh or whatever, but like, It sounds like a fucking band kid’s impersonation of a Russian.” Clint says, and Nikita begins to cringe
“Damn Potato man, you really broke him.” Lucifer says
“Are you all playing pretend or something here?” Adam says
“Maybe?” Maria says, sitting next to the squirrel. “Like, we all are completely different physically. Maybe it’s a coping mechanism, maybe it’s some way to preserve our former identities if we can?”
“Are you all doing that?”

“I am. My name isn’t Maria, but I’ll keep it that way for now.”
“From what I can guess” Rick begins “Clint, the potato man, uses his real name, or he’s trying to be Clint Eastwood, and not doing very well.”
“I’m named after Clint Eastwood, but why would I be impersonating him, I act nothing like Clint Eastwood.”
“I said you would be doing it badly, didn’t I? Anyways, so there’s him, probably Peters, the yellow fox, Edgar, the red wolf, and… am I missing someone?”
“Me.” Nikita says “I am legally named Nikita, used to be Nick, but Nick died a long time ago.” in a weird mix of a southern and russian accent
“Edgy.”
“Your name is a pseudonym for Patrick Bateman, you turbo virgin. You look like you consider yourself a sigma male, or sigma balls or whatever.”
“You lost that accent quick.”
“And you lost all chances of feeling the embrace of a woman, quicker.”
“Man, I really like you. You’re a feisty thang.”
“Whatever.”
“Anyways, I don’t think the rest used their real names, like Muscle Mon is impersonating a tv show character, Lucifer obviously isn’t named Lucifer-”
“Real name was Lucy. I don’t know the boy form.” Lucifer says
“Luke. It would be Luke.”

“Ya know what, I need a general explanation of what happened.” Adam says
“Everyone seems to have just poofed into here from random moments and time periods, and we were all just animal people. Some of us have different genders. Except Nikita.” Maria says
“For the record, I had just lied down on my bed, closed my eyes, and then was here.” Nikita says
“Al-” Adam begins, but is interrupted by Cupid popping back into the room in another puff of smoke. This time, he appeared about a foot in front of you. He smells like strawberries.
“So, we finished the little chitchat right?” Cupid says in a more feminine voice than before
“I want answers.”Adam says
“Well, let me explain. Nikky, you were close, this isn’t just me though. We also have the Pimp’s help, and the help of the annoying fox spirits.”
“Lovely.” Nikita says
“Yeah. Anyways, all of you will be forced to complete a Nuzlocke, with Adam Sandler as the trainer. Each of you is a certain pokemon, a certain type or types, and can evolve, if your line can further. However, because most of you have not been Pokemon for long, we made it so many of you are at your final stage of evolution. We also did this because there was more of an agreement that they have better designs.”

“What region is this going to take place in?” Chris says “What’s the goal of th-”
“Tsk tsk.” Cupid cuts him off “Straight to the point are we. The region isn’t one any of you are familiar with… well not in a pokemon sense. Two of you are familiar with the area, one much more than the other. The region is known as Sumer Region. As for the rest of it, you’ll have to defeat two organizations. A group from another region, who are bloodthirsty monsters, dead set on taking over. For the other group, think of Team Rocket, but less of a corporate mindset, and more terrorism. Much more terrorism.”
“So, I have to have these guys take out some terrorists?” Adam Sandler asks
“Yeah, pretty much. You must free the region. You need to also defeat the Gyms, in each city-” Cupid is cut off by a different puff of smoke, this time gray, and smelling of country food and gun powder. A figure emerges from the smoke, accompanied by the very faint tune of Dixie’s Land. He wears an old confederate uniform, He has long, brown, greasy hair and a gigantic southern mustache to accompany it. He stands about 6’5, and is very skinny.
“I do say” the figure says in a thick southern accent “The fox did not let us have gyms.”
“Really?”
“Yup. Said it would take too much time for the journey, and he was ancy to unveil the final bosses.”

“Good news then cuties. You only have to defeat terrorists.”
“And a rival.” the confederate guy says
“Who’s the rival?” Rick asks
“Ben Stiller. A friend of your’, right?”
“Surely you’re kidding, right?” Adam says
“I’m always serious, and don’t call me Shirley.” the confederate says, then he, Nikita, Rick, Clint, and Daren begins to laugh. Chris also chuckles, and when you ask him why, he says it was a movie reference.
“Ah, Airplane.” Rick says “A classic.”
“Shut it yank. I’m well aware of a good movie, and don’t need any O’ you northern folk to tell me so.”
“A bit snippy, are we?”
“I’m just a bit offended by you folk from New York having any sort of opinions.”
“Gonna cry?”
“Would you like to be neutered and forced to parade yourself in front of a bunch of horny men for eternity?”
“That’s a very specific threat. Now you’ve peaked my interest- well, not for being neutered, but at the specificness of your threat.”
“I’m the Pimp. I run The Club, the most powerful strip club in the multiverse.”
“What the fuck do you mean by powerful?”
“Wouldn’t you like to know, stock broker?”
“Was that meant to be an insult?”
“Nah.”

“So, why did you name The Club, The Club?” Maria asks
“Spur o’ the moment idea to punish my slave for killing ma wife and daughter. Didn’t think too hard ‘bout the name, mostly just wanted eternal humiliation for ‘em”
“I’m sorry to hear about your wife and daughter. Y-”
“Missy, that was over a century ago. I’ve moved on by now. Also, I’ve come to appreciate Colt now that they’re a mistress of sorts for ma’ business, and not a damn bandit, shootin’ women.”
“That’s good… I guess.”
“Is Colt gonna us?” Nikita says
“Not at the moment, N. Little bit later though.”
“Why’d he call you N?” Maria says
“I live in the south. Most people don’t know how to pronounce nuh-kee-tuh, and will call me nick, nicky, nickta, eccetera. N, they can’t fuck up, nor is it as demeaning as the other alternatives.”
“Then pick a less complicated name then.” Rick says
“Your name is slang for a penis.”
“That’s fair.” Rick says, and Chris pulls you to the side.

“What is it?” you ask
“You hear about the part with the terrorists right?” Chris says
“Yeah.”
“That scaring you?”
“No shit, it’s terrorists!”
“I have some good news. So, like, no one dies in the games. No one. And if the terrorists are like Team Rocket, they’re really incompetent and stupid.”
“You’re sure?”
“Based on the games, yes.”
“Hopefully it’s like that for us.”
“Yeah. And if it isn’t, I promise I’ll protect you, no matter what.” Chris says, hugging you

copyright:
pokemon: gamefreak/nintendo
Muscle Man: Cartoon network